Throwing A Hail Mary

Right off the bat I'll clarify that this particular post will be neither sardonic nor apocalyptic. I'm sure once I've gotten over the culture shock associated with moving from Dayton, Ohio to New York City I'll be back to my old self, but I'm feeling grotesquely upbeat lately. So upbeat that I've frequently found myself brandishing a giant, goofy grin as I walk down the street. On at least 3 or 4 separate occasions I've even been gripped with the urge to yell, "OH MY GOD I LIVE IN NEW YORK!" and spin around in circles with my arms extended like a character in the final scene of some dopey feel good comedy.

And why shouldn't I be happy? I've spent the last 4 years in a self-imposed rut, working dead end jobs I hate and pursuing relationships with women who were either awful people or more miserable than me. All the while I kept telling myself things would get better if I just hung in there. My priorities were all wrong and I wasn't actively doing much to improve my situation anyway. Finally I've done something big, epic even, to improve my life and I feel pretty awesome about it. For the first time in years I feel like life is something to look forward to instead of just enduring day by day.

I'm trying not to sound like a gloating braggart because I know this isn't a decision everyone can or would want to make, but this is where life has taken me and I'm glad I'm here. When I lived in Ohio it was too easy for me to dwell on past mistakes and missed opportunities because there was nothing else to focus on. I became consumed with all of these hypothetical "What If" situations. Even after I made the decision to move  I'd find myself getting frustrated because I felt like I was missing opportunities every day I was stuck in Ohio. Okay, I WAS missing opportunities by being stuck in Ohio but I finally got out and that's been the hardest and most important step for me to take.

What I understand now is that life is a series of opportunities. You can let them pass you by and become consumed with regret or, at best, settle for a life of safety and mediocrity. Or you can take risks. To be sure, there's going to be disappointment and failure - that's the trade-off you have to accept when you make big decisions. But I guarantee the sweetness of your victories will far outweigh the bitterness of your defeats.

As I write this I'm sitting in a tiny bedroom in Manhattan, hundreds of miles away from most of my friends and family, completely unemployed and living off money I made from selling almost all of my possessions. If I were so inclined I could go back 4 years to a single, seemingly minor action I took that propelled me down a road of bad decisions and ultimately led me to where I am today. I could do that but I won't because it doesn't matter; I'm where I want to be and I wouldn't change a thing. I don't know what the future holds and, for the first time in my life, I'm really okay with that. At least I tried.

Barack Obama should not have released his birth certificate.

Today President Obama publicly released his birth certificate, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt he's an American citizen. This would have been understandable if his citizenship was actually in question - but it wasn't. Just because a gaggle of ignorant racists and a rich pile of crap question something, that doesn't mean there's actually a real controversy. The issue of Barack Obama's citizenship has never been in question and, even if it had been, he dispelled any doubt two and a half years ago when he released his Certificate of Live Birth to the media. But you can't satisfy an idiot. So for the last two years there has been a small but vocal group of mouth breathers demanding the President provide his "real" birth certificate and today he did just that.

Is this going to make a difference? I don't think it's cynical of me to say I doubt it. I'm sure there will be a few jackasses who are silenced, but this entire movement is based on the racist notion that because he's black and has a funny name, President Obama cannot be "one of us". When you're dealing with a belief that's fueled by hate and rooted in the absolute denial of undeniable fact you can't expect logic, evidence and reason to win out. Just hours after the surprise unveiling of the certificate, billionaire presidential hopeful bandwagon Birther and all around turd sandwich, Donald Trump held his own press conference taking full credit for this non-revelation and stating that he still needs to examine the certificate himself.

As a nation we should all be ashamed and embarrassed to live in a society where this level of idiocy is tolerated and legitimized by the media. And by media I'm not just talking about conservative agitprop garbage like Fox "News" and AM talk radio. Today Barack and Michelle Obama inexplicably appeared on Oprah after the announcement and she actually asked him why it took so long to release the certificate. Are you serious, Oprah?! HE RELEASED FEDERALLY APPROVED PROOF OF CITIZENSHIP IN 2008! Asking that question legitimizes the Birther movement's claims. Why wasn't anyone asking John McCain to prove his citizenship? He was born in the Panama Canal, how do I know he's not secretly a drug mule for Panamanian drug traffickers? Short answer: It's because he's a white Republican.

I understand President Obama took this action to derail a gang of ass clowns and try to raise the political discourse back to grown up levels...but I still disagree. Birthers deserve the same treatment that Holocaust deniers and Creationists deserve - ridicule and scorn. If I were the president's media advisor the press conference would have been handled completely differently. First of all I would grant Fox "News" exclusive broadcasting rights provided they broke in with coverage during Glenn Becks soon-to-be-cancelled crapfest of a show. This would all but guarantee low viewership, but decent, normal folks don't need to be bothered with  this nonsense anyway. I would then dress the president in a traditional African dashiki and send him out to address viewers. The speech I would write for him would be short and to the point, something along the lines of:

"Greetings Fox viewers, as you know I'm your president, Barack Hussein Obama. I know many of you did not vote for me in 2008 and those who did were no doubt illiterate. Never the less, I'm here to address you directly regarding your concerns that I'm a secret Kenyan Muslim fascist socialist terrorist. I cannot prove that I'm not a secret Muslim fascist socialist terrorist because, logically, it's impossible to offer evidence of a negative state. But, clearly, logic is not a strong point for you people anyway. What I can prove is that I'm a natural born citizen of these United States. It's true that I released my Certificate of Live Birth over two years ago but many of you remain unconvinced. That being the case, I had my legal council formally request the great state of Hawaii disregard state law and release my long form birth certificate so I could demonstrate, once and for all, you people really do have a brother as a president. Now, there's good news and bad news. The good news is the state government immediately responded to the request. The bad news is I left it under your mom's bed last night. BAM! Asalaam alikum, bitches!"

At this point the president would step out from behind the podium, grab his crotch and thrust at the camera while yelling, "Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it!" until Fox cut the feed from their end.

This is by no means behavior befitting a president but I feel it's appropriate given the viewing audience and subject matter being addressed. Buffoons should be treated like buffoons.

White People Problems

We honkys are faced with a myriad of problems on a daily basis. Here are just a few: 

• Existential angst
• "My job is financially rewarding but it's so unfulfilling!"
• Banana Republic doesn't have that cardigan you like in the right size. Now you have to order from the website!
• Lactose intolerance
• Tennis elbow
• Low credit score
• Getting annoyed by people who eat pizza with a fork
• Your child not being accepted into an exclusive preschool program
• Your Macbook Pro is acting up again
• H & M not having an online store for the United States
• Not having a fair trade store in your town
• "Can you believe Bruce Springsteen agreed to sell his last album exclusively at Walmart?!"
•  The local grocery doesn't carry a satisfactory selection of organic produce.
• "What do you mean your menu doesn't have any vegan options?!"
• Bonnarroo sold out
• Oh no, so did Burning Man!
• Getting aggravated by the poor grammar skills of others
• "How I Met Your Mother" is showing reruns and it's still the regular season
• Your neighbor's lawn decorations may be lowering your property value
• The White Stripes broke up
• Emenem's new album wasn't as good as you were expecting
• There are too many Mexicans working at the local Chipotle
• Glee is on summer hiatus
• None of your local bars have a good selection of craft beers
• A Hispanic family just moved into your neighborhood!

As far as being an average American goes, I'm a pretty big failure.

I'm 33 years old and I have no desire to own a home, having children seems like a colossal waste of time that would interfere with being selfish and irresponsible and my ideal job would involve blowing things up or travelling around the country eating embarrassing amounts of junk food. I feel like I should be ashamed of these admissions but I'm not. Honestly, the trappings of the typical American adult don't entice me at all.

A house is an expensive anchor that ties you to one location for years - maybe even your entire life. Children, while undeniably adorable at first, quickly turn into rotten teenagers and then adults who stick you in a rest home when you become a burden and sell all your things in a garage sale after you die. As far as work goes, Hell is years spent at a soul destroying job in order to pay off your mortgage and finance your child's binge drinking and useless English degree at Generic State University. These are all responsibilities I neither need nor want.

You could make the argument that I'm simply immature and selfish but I like to think I'm really an enlightened free spirit - loosed from the bonds of biological imperatives like procreation and out of step with traditional Midwestern values. In reality neither of those situations is correct but I'm good at romanticized rationalizations and you're a big 'ol grumpopotamus.

The truth is that I view the nuclear family as a Jenga tower made of interdependent responsibilities which will collapse if just one block is removed: If I don't have kids I don't really need a house for anything. If I don't have a house I'm not tied down to one geographic location so I can lead a more nomadic life. With no kids and no house I have fewer financial responsibilities so I'm free to pursue a career that may be less rewarding financially but offers more personal fulfillment. Or I can work at an awful job that pays a lot and have money to do whatever I want whenever I want. And on and on.

Actually, when I read through that last paragraph it does sound like I'm trying to justify my selfish impulses. Plus, I don't have a special lady to impregnate so I'm getting way ahead of myself anyway. For the time being I think I should stick with my most immediate priorities: Getting less doughy, moving and finding a good job. All that other adult crap can wait.

Fox News - We report, you continue to drool on yourself!

Can you imagine how awesome it would be to have your own show on Fox News? Not only do you get paid a fortune but you also have a licence to say whatever you want with no fear of reprisal. Seriously, as long as you tow the Republican party line you can get away with saying anything that pops into your head. Other news networks are burdened with things like journalistic integrity and a stubborn insistence on reporting facts, but not Fox.

As a Fox News commentator you can go on air in front of millions and millions of people and say things like the ocean's tide is unexplainable or that there's a conspiracy between American liberals and the Muslim Brotherhood to establish some sort of global dictatorship. It really doesn't matter that both of these claims are as false as they are ridiculous because Fox News viewers are so lacking in critical thinking skills that their brains process anything they hear as fact.

You really don't even have to speak coherent English to find success on Fox. Have you ever listened to Glenn Beck? Ninety percent of what he says is gibberish. It's as if an ape learned how to emulate human speech through a series of grunts and shrieks that occasionally sound like paranoid rants.

An unrestricted licence to lie isn't the only job perk - you can also publish books that regurgitate the nonsense you spew over the airwaves to make a hefty profit. There's plenty of money to be made in confirmation bias - people love to hear other people on television repeat what the voices in his or her head are saying. I bet you could literally just print up transcripts from a weeks worth of programming and your fans would still pay $30 a pop to lap it up...and as a Fox News commentator you have lots of fans. 

Still not convinced that working for Fox would be a sweet gig? Well, what about these apples? If you're a guy  you get to work with the hottest, most self-righteous Aryan princesses this side of Nazi Germany. Not a drop of Jew or mud race blood flows through Megyn Kelly's veins and I bet she's been pre-subjugated too! 

You're also free to sexually harass the female employees with impunity. If any lucky ladies make accusations involving big boobs and falafels, then your boss, Roger Ailes, will make them go away. I know this doesn't sound like a good deal for you females but you only have to put up with Bill O'Reilly flopping around on you like a sweaty, clammy fish-out-of-water for a few minutes. And you DO want that promotion don't you?

I'm not saying I like what Fox News does; they're only 2 or 3 steps above fascist propaganda after all. But the lure of money, completely irresponsible journalism and an unchallenged bully pulpit millions of viewers strong is powerful. Fox is the Charlie Sheen of media outlets - maniacally narcissistic, coked out of it's mind and willfully oblivious of concerned onlookers. Who doesn't want a job like that?  I hate everything about the network but I can't deny there's something seductive about the freedom to go on national television and say whatever the hell you want. George Soros invented AIDS and is secretly gay married to Barack Obama? Sure why not? We're Fox News after all. We report, you accept unquestioningly (Even if it's an article from the Onion and we present it as fact. We've done that a few times. Seriously. Look it up.)

WOOOOOO! In your face, oil companies! GAS STRIKE 2011!!!

Oh man, do you remember a few years ago when gas prices where skyrocketing and a noble group of lazy, self-righteous people banded together on Facebook and MySpace, vowing not to buy gas for one day? Well, it looks like they're at it again: GAS STRIKE 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's right guys, we're not gonna take it. No, we ain't gonna take it. Anymore. Starting tomorrow, tens, maybe even hundreds, of people around the country will refuse to buy gas...for 24 hours.

That'll show those horrible gas companies who's boss! They'll totally be out thousands of dollars for one whole day. By Friday those big oil fat cats will be begging Americans to buy gas again. Of course the begging isn't necessary since Joe Six-Pack will be suckling at that sweet, sweet unleaded teet again by Saturday. Sunday at the latest.

Here's some breaking news for you aspiring gas strikers: You're accomplishing JACK SQUAT!

If you really want to show oil companies what for then decrease your freaking dependence on fossil fuels permanently. Get a hybrid car, walk or bike to your destination if possible, go solar in your home if you can afford it and stop using products that require oil to manufacture (good luck with that one, hippie - that's pretty much everything).

If you're unwilling to try ANY of those options then, by all means, go ahead and join that Facebook group. Your fellow inactivists will be proud of the sacrifice you aren't making. But keep this in mind: I'm totally going to make fun of you in my blog!

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

Because I'm always in the foulest mood when I'm working, here's a stream-of-consciousness list of things that I can't stand. Some of these items are behaviors I myself am guilty of because, while everyone is a hypocrite, I'm at least a self-aware one.

1. Answering a yes or no question with something other than yes or no
2. Using "irregardless" instead of "regardless"
3. Almost all young people
4. Self-righteous know-it-alls
5. People who intentionally try and act "cool"
6. Tomatoes
7. People who refer to all heavy metal that's not crappy, mainstream American metal like Slipknot as death metal.
8. Greedo shooting first
9. Dayton, Ohio
10. The naively optimistic
11. Smug idealists
12. Smugness in general
13. Crabcore
14. Ayn Rand
15. Facebook status updates that are obvious attempts to get compliments, undeserved sympathy or attention
16. People who respond to those status updates with compliments, undeserved sympathy or attention
17. Political Correctness
18. Vaguebooking
19. Comma abuse
20. When someone asks your opinion and gets mad when it's not what they wanted to hear
21. The Kardashians
22. Intentional non-conformity
23. Mediocre art and the people who like it
24. Sparkly vampires
25. l337 speak and internet jargon
26. The band Rush
27. Rush Limbaugh
28. All conservative media personalities
29. Some progressive media personalities
30. The state of modern American journalism
31. That period in a couples relationship when they move from dating to exclusivity and they're always kissing in front of everyone and being all sappy and gross all the time.
32. Not having enough time in the day
33. My job
34. When stuff I like gets popular and as a result watered down or beaten to death
35. Dane Cook
36. Reality deniers
37. Puritanical moralists
38. Jam bands
39. Preaching to the choir
40. People who endlessly complain about things they can't change
41. People who endlessly complain about things they can change but don't try to change
42. People who make decisions which are clearly stupid to everyone else, then moan about how stupid the decision was and expect to be placated
43. Dogmatism
44. Not having control over my own life
45. The existential angst that inevitably results from trying to find your place in an increasingly shallow, consumer-driven and digitized world
46. Speaker phone!!!
47. Glorification of ignorance
48. Bad drivers
49. When someone asks a question with the sole intention of starting an argument
50. Mushrooms