Can you imagine how awesome it would be to have your own show on Fox News? Not only do you get paid a fortune but you also have a licence to say whatever you want with no fear of reprisal. Seriously, as long as you tow the Republican party line you can get away with saying anything that pops into your head. Other news networks are burdened with things like journalistic integrity and a stubborn insistence on reporting facts, but not Fox.
As a Fox News commentator you can go on air in front of millions and millions of people and say things like the ocean's tide is unexplainable or that there's a conspiracy between American liberals and the Muslim Brotherhood to establish some sort of global dictatorship. It really doesn't matter that both of these claims are as false as they are ridiculous because Fox News viewers are so lacking in critical thinking skills that their brains process anything they hear as fact.
You really don't even have to speak coherent English to find success on Fox. Have you ever listened to Glenn Beck? Ninety percent of what he says is gibberish. It's as if an ape learned how to emulate human speech through a series of grunts and shrieks that occasionally sound like paranoid rants.
An unrestricted licence to lie isn't the only job perk - you can also publish books that regurgitate the nonsense you spew over the airwaves to make a hefty profit. There's plenty of money to be made in confirmation bias - people love to hear other people on television repeat what the voices in his or her head are saying. I bet you could literally just print up transcripts from a weeks worth of programming and your fans would still pay $30 a pop to lap it up...and as a Fox News commentator you have lots of fans.
Still not convinced that working for Fox would be a sweet gig? Well, what about these apples? If you're a guy you get to work with the hottest, most self-righteous Aryan princesses this side of Nazi Germany. Not a drop of Jew or mud race blood flows through Megyn Kelly's veins and I bet she's been pre-subjugated too!
You're also free to sexually harass the female employees with impunity. If any lucky ladies make accusations involving big boobs and falafels, then your boss, Roger Ailes, will make them go away. I know this doesn't sound like a good deal for you females but you only have to put up with Bill O'Reilly flopping around on you like a sweaty, clammy fish-out-of-water for a few minutes. And you DO want that promotion don't you?
I'm not saying I like what Fox News does; they're only 2 or 3 steps above fascist propaganda after all. But the lure of money, completely irresponsible journalism and an unchallenged bully pulpit millions of viewers strong is powerful. Fox is the Charlie Sheen of media outlets - maniacally narcissistic, coked out of it's mind and willfully oblivious of concerned onlookers. Who doesn't want a job like that? I hate everything about the network but I can't deny there's something seductive about the freedom to go on national television and say whatever the hell you want. George Soros invented AIDS and is secretly gay married to Barack Obama? Sure why not? We're Fox News after all. We report, you accept unquestioningly (Even if it's an article from the Onion and we present it as fact. We've done that a few times. Seriously. Look it up.)
