Tirades-A-Poppin', or Ruminations On The State Of Republican Politics Circa August 2011

Watching the Republican debate tonight on Fox "News", I'm reminded of the series of Celebrity Jeopardy skits that aired on Saturday Night Live. If you're not familiar with what I'm referring to, the skits featured Will Ferrell as Alex Trebek attempting to deal with a group of bumbling, clueless celebrity caricatures. As the sketches proceed, the celebrities behave in increasingly ridiculous ways and Alex Trebek becomes increasingly agitated.

Unfortunately, I haven't been taking notes so I'm sure I'm missing some displays of absurdity, but here are some of the highlights from tonight's Fox "News" debate:

• Herman Cain argues that Americans should vote for him, essentially, because he once ran a 3rd rate pizza chain.
• Ron Paul is asked a question and then rambles incoherently about Iraq and Vietnam. Moderators visibly laugh at his response.
• Tim Pawlenty is asked a question and, instead of answering, launches into tirade against President Obama.
• Jon Huntsman stands around not really making an impression on anyone.
• Moderators instigate an argument between Tim Pawlenty and Michelle Bachmann over who hates the government more.
• Tim Pawlenty and Michelle Backmann spend the next several minutes arguing over who hates the government more.
• Rick Santorum erupts in a frothy mixture of anger and frustration because no one is paying attention to him.
• Ron Paul argues that the government needs to stay out of people's private lives and, in the same response, states that gay people shouldn't be allowed to marry.
• Mitt Romney rattles off some pro-corporatist twaddle and generally stands around looking like a smug douche.
• Tim Pawlenty is asked a question and, instead of answering, launches into tirade against President Obama.
• Newt Gingrich is asked a question about Libya and launches into a tirade about how Fox "News" misquoted him about something. The visibly annoyed moderator repeats the question. Newt totally dodges the question again.
• Tim Pawlenty is asked a question and, instead of answering, launches into tirade against President Obama.
• Newt Gingrich is asked a legitimate question only to accuse the Fox "News" moderator of lobbing him a Gotcha question. He proceeds to reply in a dickish manner.
• Herman Cain is asked a question about Sharia Law and launches into a tirade about how Fox "News" misquoted him about something. He eventually sort of answers the question.
• Rick Santorum defends his statement that doctors who perform (completely legal) abortions should be brought up on criminal charges. He also defendes his belief that a woman who becomes pregnant after she's raped by her father should not be allowed to have an abortion.
• Tim Pawlenty is asked a question and, instead of answering, launches into tirade against President Obama.
• A moderator repeats a quote from Michelle Bachmann where she states a woman should be subservient to her husband. Then he asks her if she'll be subservient to Marcus if she's elected president. She dodges the question while simultaneously looking insane.
• Tim Pawlenty is asked a question and, instead of answering, launches into tirade against President Obama.
• Newt Gingrich is asked a legitimate question about his hilarious, on-going campaign problems only to accuse the Fox "News" moderator of lobbing him a Gotcha question. He proceeds to reply in a dickish manner.
• Jon Huntsman stands around not really making an impression on anyone.
• Moderators attempt to instigate an argument between Tim Pawlenty and Mitt Romney because Pawlenty rightly compared Romney's Massachusetts health care bill with Obamacare. Pawlenty sort of went after Romney, but Romney laughes it off knowing he's clearly the front runner for the GOP nomination.
• Moderators try to instigate a fight between Herman Cain and Mitt Romney because Cain implied Southerners hate Mormons. Nothing came of it.
• Debate participants take turns taking cheap shots at Rick Perry who wasn't there to defend himself. 

I was somewhat disappointed that no one brought up Newt "It Doesn't Matter What I Do" Gingrich's history of infidelity and stunningly blatant hypocrisy. I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect him to explain why he thinks he possess the moral character to hold one of the most powerful positions in the world - especially after his attempt to railroad Bill Clinton for being sleazy-but-nowhere-near-as-sleazy-as-Newt-Gingrich. I assume the moderators just figured he has no chance of winning the nomination and is an angry, pathetic, dried up turd. Or it could be he got a pass for cheating on two thirds of his wives because the transgressions were a result of his extreme love for the United States. Unfortunately, regardless of the reason, there's no deliciously awkward video clip of the pompous man-dumpling trying to justify his serial infidelity through the lens of all-American patriotism.

All in all, it was an entertaining, if not pointless, debate. Unless the GOP establishment are involved in some weird Trading Places-esque bet with the Democrats, there's no way they're picking anyone but Mitt Romney. Yes, Evangelicals and hardline conservatives don't like him because he's a Mormon who was basically a moderate Democrat until a few years ago. But, in the past, both groups have displayed a willingness to blindly idolize people who fall outside the Christian Conservative stereotype. (I'm looking at you Ronald Reagan and Glenn Beck.) And, really, who are his serious competitors? The other 8+ candidates are a motley crew of kooks, wackadoodles, also-rans...and Jon Huntsman. It's like the first few episodes of American Idol. Needless to say, I'm really looking forward to future debates and to find out who the GOP nominates as The Poor Bastard Who's Going To Be Completely Destroyed By Barack Obama In 2012.

Letter to the Dayton Daily News Re: Dumb People

This is a letter to the editor I submitted to the Dayton Daily News in Dayton, Ohio. It's referencing a story the paper ran Monday about Christian conservative efforts to shoehorn Creationism into the Springboro school district, a school system near the area where I grew up. The original article can be found here.

In Monday's article regarding Creationism and the Springboro school system, religious fundamentalists displayed an ignorance so profound that it's hard to refrain from accusing them of willful stupidity. Kelly Kohls' claim that Creationism is a significant part of American history is absurd and demonstrates a total lack of knowledge about the movement's history in the United States.

Jo Ellen Myers also seems delighted to shamelessly wallow in her own ignorance. No one with any understanding of the scientific method would claim Evolution's "based on a theory that can't even be proven." The mechanisms that drive evolution are observable and, unlike Creationism, it doesn't rely on supernatural intervention and logical fallacies.

The fact that these reality deniers are arguing Creationism is a counter theory to Evolution demonstrates that, not only do they not understand Evolution, they also don't understand the nonsense they're trying to replace it with. Creationism provides a narrative explaining how life on Earth began - Evolution makes no such claim. If anything, these people should be attacking abiogenesis. But intellectual honesty isn't a priority when the goal is to defend a belief that's been completely disproved by observable, natural phenomenon.

Anyone concerned with children's education should be horrified that these radicals are allowed to serve in the public education system. If fundamentalists want to corrupt their own kids' minds, they're free to home school them and send them to any number of non-accredited Bible "universities". But using tax dollars to force their fringe beliefs on children is obscene.

Barack Obama should not have released his birth certificate.

Today President Obama publicly released his birth certificate, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt he's an American citizen. This would have been understandable if his citizenship was actually in question - but it wasn't. Just because a gaggle of ignorant racists and a rich pile of crap question something, that doesn't mean there's actually a real controversy. The issue of Barack Obama's citizenship has never been in question and, even if it had been, he dispelled any doubt two and a half years ago when he released his Certificate of Live Birth to the media. But you can't satisfy an idiot. So for the last two years there has been a small but vocal group of mouth breathers demanding the President provide his "real" birth certificate and today he did just that.

Is this going to make a difference? I don't think it's cynical of me to say I doubt it. I'm sure there will be a few jackasses who are silenced, but this entire movement is based on the racist notion that because he's black and has a funny name, President Obama cannot be "one of us". When you're dealing with a belief that's fueled by hate and rooted in the absolute denial of undeniable fact you can't expect logic, evidence and reason to win out. Just hours after the surprise unveiling of the certificate, billionaire presidential hopeful bandwagon Birther and all around turd sandwich, Donald Trump held his own press conference taking full credit for this non-revelation and stating that he still needs to examine the certificate himself.

As a nation we should all be ashamed and embarrassed to live in a society where this level of idiocy is tolerated and legitimized by the media. And by media I'm not just talking about conservative agitprop garbage like Fox "News" and AM talk radio. Today Barack and Michelle Obama inexplicably appeared on Oprah after the announcement and she actually asked him why it took so long to release the certificate. Are you serious, Oprah?! HE RELEASED FEDERALLY APPROVED PROOF OF CITIZENSHIP IN 2008! Asking that question legitimizes the Birther movement's claims. Why wasn't anyone asking John McCain to prove his citizenship? He was born in the Panama Canal, how do I know he's not secretly a drug mule for Panamanian drug traffickers? Short answer: It's because he's a white Republican.

I understand President Obama took this action to derail a gang of ass clowns and try to raise the political discourse back to grown up levels...but I still disagree. Birthers deserve the same treatment that Holocaust deniers and Creationists deserve - ridicule and scorn. If I were the president's media advisor the press conference would have been handled completely differently. First of all I would grant Fox "News" exclusive broadcasting rights provided they broke in with coverage during Glenn Becks soon-to-be-cancelled crapfest of a show. This would all but guarantee low viewership, but decent, normal folks don't need to be bothered with  this nonsense anyway. I would then dress the president in a traditional African dashiki and send him out to address viewers. The speech I would write for him would be short and to the point, something along the lines of:

"Greetings Fox viewers, as you know I'm your president, Barack Hussein Obama. I know many of you did not vote for me in 2008 and those who did were no doubt illiterate. Never the less, I'm here to address you directly regarding your concerns that I'm a secret Kenyan Muslim fascist socialist terrorist. I cannot prove that I'm not a secret Muslim fascist socialist terrorist because, logically, it's impossible to offer evidence of a negative state. But, clearly, logic is not a strong point for you people anyway. What I can prove is that I'm a natural born citizen of these United States. It's true that I released my Certificate of Live Birth over two years ago but many of you remain unconvinced. That being the case, I had my legal council formally request the great state of Hawaii disregard state law and release my long form birth certificate so I could demonstrate, once and for all, you people really do have a brother as a president. Now, there's good news and bad news. The good news is the state government immediately responded to the request. The bad news is I left it under your mom's bed last night. BAM! Asalaam alikum, bitches!"

At this point the president would step out from behind the podium, grab his crotch and thrust at the camera while yelling, "Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it!" until Fox cut the feed from their end.

This is by no means behavior befitting a president but I feel it's appropriate given the viewing audience and subject matter being addressed. Buffoons should be treated like buffoons.