Right off the bat I'll clarify that this particular post will be neither sardonic nor apocalyptic. I'm sure once I've gotten over the culture shock associated with moving from Dayton, Ohio to New York City I'll be back to my old self, but I'm feeling grotesquely upbeat lately. So upbeat that I've frequently found myself brandishing a giant, goofy grin as I walk down the street. On at least 3 or 4 separate occasions I've even been gripped with the urge to yell, "OH MY GOD I LIVE IN NEW YORK!" and spin around in circles with my arms extended like a character in the final scene of some dopey feel good comedy.
And why shouldn't I be happy? I've spent the last 4 years in a self-imposed rut, working dead end jobs I hate and pursuing relationships with women who were either awful people or more miserable than me. All the while I kept telling myself things would get better if I just hung in there. My priorities were all wrong and I wasn't actively doing much to improve my situation anyway. Finally I've done something big, epic even, to improve my life and I feel pretty awesome about it. For the first time in years I feel like life is something to look forward to instead of just enduring day by day.
I'm trying not to sound like a gloating braggart because I know this isn't a decision everyone can or would want to make, but this is where life has taken me and I'm glad I'm here. When I lived in Ohio it was too easy for me to dwell on past mistakes and missed opportunities because there was nothing else to focus on. I became consumed with all of these hypothetical "What If" situations. Even after I made the decision to move I'd find myself getting frustrated because I felt like I was missing opportunities every day I was stuck in Ohio. Okay, I WAS missing opportunities by being stuck in Ohio but I finally got out and that's been the hardest and most important step for me to take.
What I understand now is that life is a series of opportunities. You can let them pass you by and become consumed with regret or, at best, settle for a life of safety and mediocrity. Or you can take risks. To be sure, there's going to be disappointment and failure - that's the trade-off you have to accept when you make big decisions. But I guarantee the sweetness of your victories will far outweigh the bitterness of your defeats.
As I write this I'm sitting in a tiny bedroom in Manhattan, hundreds of miles away from most of my friends and family, completely unemployed and living off money I made from selling almost all of my possessions. If I were so inclined I could go back 4 years to a single, seemingly minor action I took that propelled me down a road of bad decisions and ultimately led me to where I am today. I could do that but I won't because it doesn't matter; I'm where I want to be and I wouldn't change a thing. I don't know what the future holds and, for the first time in my life, I'm really okay with that. At least I tried.
