Tirades-A-Poppin', or Ruminations On The State Of Republican Politics Circa August 2011

Watching the Republican debate tonight on Fox "News", I'm reminded of the series of Celebrity Jeopardy skits that aired on Saturday Night Live. If you're not familiar with what I'm referring to, the skits featured Will Ferrell as Alex Trebek attempting to deal with a group of bumbling, clueless celebrity caricatures. As the sketches proceed, the celebrities behave in increasingly ridiculous ways and Alex Trebek becomes increasingly agitated.

Unfortunately, I haven't been taking notes so I'm sure I'm missing some displays of absurdity, but here are some of the highlights from tonight's Fox "News" debate:

• Herman Cain argues that Americans should vote for him, essentially, because he once ran a 3rd rate pizza chain.
• Ron Paul is asked a question and then rambles incoherently about Iraq and Vietnam. Moderators visibly laugh at his response.
• Tim Pawlenty is asked a question and, instead of answering, launches into tirade against President Obama.
• Jon Huntsman stands around not really making an impression on anyone.
• Moderators instigate an argument between Tim Pawlenty and Michelle Bachmann over who hates the government more.
• Tim Pawlenty and Michelle Backmann spend the next several minutes arguing over who hates the government more.
• Rick Santorum erupts in a frothy mixture of anger and frustration because no one is paying attention to him.
• Ron Paul argues that the government needs to stay out of people's private lives and, in the same response, states that gay people shouldn't be allowed to marry.
• Mitt Romney rattles off some pro-corporatist twaddle and generally stands around looking like a smug douche.
• Tim Pawlenty is asked a question and, instead of answering, launches into tirade against President Obama.
• Newt Gingrich is asked a question about Libya and launches into a tirade about how Fox "News" misquoted him about something. The visibly annoyed moderator repeats the question. Newt totally dodges the question again.
• Tim Pawlenty is asked a question and, instead of answering, launches into tirade against President Obama.
• Newt Gingrich is asked a legitimate question only to accuse the Fox "News" moderator of lobbing him a Gotcha question. He proceeds to reply in a dickish manner.
• Herman Cain is asked a question about Sharia Law and launches into a tirade about how Fox "News" misquoted him about something. He eventually sort of answers the question.
• Rick Santorum defends his statement that doctors who perform (completely legal) abortions should be brought up on criminal charges. He also defendes his belief that a woman who becomes pregnant after she's raped by her father should not be allowed to have an abortion.
• Tim Pawlenty is asked a question and, instead of answering, launches into tirade against President Obama.
• A moderator repeats a quote from Michelle Bachmann where she states a woman should be subservient to her husband. Then he asks her if she'll be subservient to Marcus if she's elected president. She dodges the question while simultaneously looking insane.
• Tim Pawlenty is asked a question and, instead of answering, launches into tirade against President Obama.
• Newt Gingrich is asked a legitimate question about his hilarious, on-going campaign problems only to accuse the Fox "News" moderator of lobbing him a Gotcha question. He proceeds to reply in a dickish manner.
• Jon Huntsman stands around not really making an impression on anyone.
• Moderators attempt to instigate an argument between Tim Pawlenty and Mitt Romney because Pawlenty rightly compared Romney's Massachusetts health care bill with Obamacare. Pawlenty sort of went after Romney, but Romney laughes it off knowing he's clearly the front runner for the GOP nomination.
• Moderators try to instigate a fight between Herman Cain and Mitt Romney because Cain implied Southerners hate Mormons. Nothing came of it.
• Debate participants take turns taking cheap shots at Rick Perry who wasn't there to defend himself. 

I was somewhat disappointed that no one brought up Newt "It Doesn't Matter What I Do" Gingrich's history of infidelity and stunningly blatant hypocrisy. I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect him to explain why he thinks he possess the moral character to hold one of the most powerful positions in the world - especially after his attempt to railroad Bill Clinton for being sleazy-but-nowhere-near-as-sleazy-as-Newt-Gingrich. I assume the moderators just figured he has no chance of winning the nomination and is an angry, pathetic, dried up turd. Or it could be he got a pass for cheating on two thirds of his wives because the transgressions were a result of his extreme love for the United States. Unfortunately, regardless of the reason, there's no deliciously awkward video clip of the pompous man-dumpling trying to justify his serial infidelity through the lens of all-American patriotism.

All in all, it was an entertaining, if not pointless, debate. Unless the GOP establishment are involved in some weird Trading Places-esque bet with the Democrats, there's no way they're picking anyone but Mitt Romney. Yes, Evangelicals and hardline conservatives don't like him because he's a Mormon who was basically a moderate Democrat until a few years ago. But, in the past, both groups have displayed a willingness to blindly idolize people who fall outside the Christian Conservative stereotype. (I'm looking at you Ronald Reagan and Glenn Beck.) And, really, who are his serious competitors? The other 8+ candidates are a motley crew of kooks, wackadoodles, also-rans...and Jon Huntsman. It's like the first few episodes of American Idol. Needless to say, I'm really looking forward to future debates and to find out who the GOP nominates as The Poor Bastard Who's Going To Be Completely Destroyed By Barack Obama In 2012.

Letter to the Dayton Daily News Re: Dumb People

This is a letter to the editor I submitted to the Dayton Daily News in Dayton, Ohio. It's referencing a story the paper ran Monday about Christian conservative efforts to shoehorn Creationism into the Springboro school district, a school system near the area where I grew up. The original article can be found here.

In Monday's article regarding Creationism and the Springboro school system, religious fundamentalists displayed an ignorance so profound that it's hard to refrain from accusing them of willful stupidity. Kelly Kohls' claim that Creationism is a significant part of American history is absurd and demonstrates a total lack of knowledge about the movement's history in the United States.

Jo Ellen Myers also seems delighted to shamelessly wallow in her own ignorance. No one with any understanding of the scientific method would claim Evolution's "based on a theory that can't even be proven." The mechanisms that drive evolution are observable and, unlike Creationism, it doesn't rely on supernatural intervention and logical fallacies.

The fact that these reality deniers are arguing Creationism is a counter theory to Evolution demonstrates that, not only do they not understand Evolution, they also don't understand the nonsense they're trying to replace it with. Creationism provides a narrative explaining how life on Earth began - Evolution makes no such claim. If anything, these people should be attacking abiogenesis. But intellectual honesty isn't a priority when the goal is to defend a belief that's been completely disproved by observable, natural phenomenon.

Anyone concerned with children's education should be horrified that these radicals are allowed to serve in the public education system. If fundamentalists want to corrupt their own kids' minds, they're free to home school them and send them to any number of non-accredited Bible "universities". But using tax dollars to force their fringe beliefs on children is obscene.