Never Forget

Ten years ago I was getting ready for the first day of my second year in college when my mom called and told me to turn on the television - two airliners had just crashed into the World Trade Center towers. At this point it was clear that this was an intentional action, and the media had already begun to speculate who was behind the attack. Eventually we were told Osama bin Laden, a former Mujahideen member; founder of Al-Qaeda; and mastermind behind the 1998 U.S. embassy attacks in Africa, was the culprit. He initially denied involvement but both the U.S. and British government claimed to have irrefutable evidence that bin Laden was behind the September 11th attacks.

Once we were given someone to blame, we began to struggle with what these attacks meant. What could drive someone to such hate that they'd be willing to murder 3,000 innocent men, woman, and children - some of whom were fellow Muslims? We tried to understand what caused the attacks but, somewhere along the line, we forgot that events don't occur in a vacuum and atrocities of this scope don't just spontaneously occur. So, to cope, we blamed "evil". Osama bin Laden was simply evil. He and his followers hated America and everything it stands for. We forgot our long history of acting in only OUR best interests when it comes to affairs in the Middle East. We also forgot that we blindly support Israel regardless of the human rights violations it perpetrates in it's endless war with Muslim Palestine. Those people in the Middle East cheering in the streets after 3,000 lives were annihilated? Evil Muslims. They don't hate us because we support their enemies and meddle in their affairs when it suits us, they hate us because they're evil Muslims who hate freedom.

By October we had invaded Afghanistan - the seat of Al-Qaeda's operation. We had riled ourselves into a righteous fury and social discourse was rapidly devolving into a "for us or against us" mentality. President Bush declared war on terror but forgot that you can't declare wars against hyperbole. Meanwhile, the public declared war on Islam. Mosques were defaced, shot at, and fire bombed and the general consensus seemed to be that all Muslims were dangerous, freedom-hating terrorists...even if they happened to be U.S citizens. Anyone who questioned the rabid jingoism of the time was, at best, un-American and, at worst, also a secret terrorist.

In 2003, after a year and a half in Afghanistan and no bin Laden corpse to speak of, we forgot what we were trying to accomplish and decided to invade Iraq. According to the Bush administration (and ONLY the Bush administration), Saddam Hussein was secretly in league with Osama bin Laden and needed to be taken out. There was no evidence to support this assertion but Democrats and Republicans alike forgot their critical thinking skills and voted to authorize an invasion of a sovereign country that posed no direct threat to the United States. Eventually, after it became undeniably clear that Hussein and bin Laden weren't working together and never had been, the Bush administration had to alter their reason for invading Iraq. Suddenly Saddam was in possession of "weapons of mass destruction" and we had to stop him from using them. In a stunningly Orwellian maneuver, we forgot about the original reason for the invasion and even forgot about the weapons of mass destruction when none were ever found. The reason for invading Iraq was changed yet again: Now we were spreading Democracy!

As all these justifications for invasion were being chucked down the Memory Hole, the violence in Iraq was escalating. See, we forgot that Saddam Hussein, while undeniably a horrible despot, was the only force providing stability in Iraq. When we deposed his regime it allowed insurgents to surge in to the country - creating more threats for the mighty Coalition of the Willing and making it more difficult to spread American-style Democracy!© throughout the region.

Eventually Hussein was captured and ultimately put to death. And, earlier this year, the United States military located and killed Osama bin Laden. (He was hiding in a giant, conspicuous compound in Pakistan, not in Iraq or a cave in Afghanistan.) This whole debacle started 10 years ago and the fighting continues to this day even though all the people directly responsible for 9/11 are either dead or imprisoned.

Every year we, as a nation, remind ourselves to "never forget" September 11th. As if it's possible to erase the image of a plane smashing into a building at 300 mph or of people intentionally jumping to their deaths rather than being burned alive. But what we have managed to forget is the price this seemingly endless war has cost us and what it's turned us in to.

It's been eight years since we invaded Iraq, ostensibly because Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden were working together. At this point, the United States military and coalition forces are directly responsible for more civilian casualties than the 19 hijackers on September 11th. As we were cheering at aircraft carriers launching cruise missiles into populated cities, we forgot what it felt like to see people cheering in the streets when we were attacked. It seems trite to invoke Nietzsche's famous and over-used quote about starring into the abyss, but it's appropriate.

Regardless of nationality, if your family is killed by an invading force because of something you or even your country had nothing to do with, what else can you call the invaders except terrorists? There is no justification for the attacks on September 11th just like there is no justification for the murder of thousands of innocent Iraqis. How dare we continue to play the victim.

Tirades-A-Poppin', or Ruminations On The State Of Republican Politics Circa August 2011

Watching the Republican debate tonight on Fox "News", I'm reminded of the series of Celebrity Jeopardy skits that aired on Saturday Night Live. If you're not familiar with what I'm referring to, the skits featured Will Ferrell as Alex Trebek attempting to deal with a group of bumbling, clueless celebrity caricatures. As the sketches proceed, the celebrities behave in increasingly ridiculous ways and Alex Trebek becomes increasingly agitated.

Unfortunately, I haven't been taking notes so I'm sure I'm missing some displays of absurdity, but here are some of the highlights from tonight's Fox "News" debate:

• Herman Cain argues that Americans should vote for him, essentially, because he once ran a 3rd rate pizza chain.
• Ron Paul is asked a question and then rambles incoherently about Iraq and Vietnam. Moderators visibly laugh at his response.
• Tim Pawlenty is asked a question and, instead of answering, launches into tirade against President Obama.
• Jon Huntsman stands around not really making an impression on anyone.
• Moderators instigate an argument between Tim Pawlenty and Michelle Bachmann over who hates the government more.
• Tim Pawlenty and Michelle Backmann spend the next several minutes arguing over who hates the government more.
• Rick Santorum erupts in a frothy mixture of anger and frustration because no one is paying attention to him.
• Ron Paul argues that the government needs to stay out of people's private lives and, in the same response, states that gay people shouldn't be allowed to marry.
• Mitt Romney rattles off some pro-corporatist twaddle and generally stands around looking like a smug douche.
• Tim Pawlenty is asked a question and, instead of answering, launches into tirade against President Obama.
• Newt Gingrich is asked a question about Libya and launches into a tirade about how Fox "News" misquoted him about something. The visibly annoyed moderator repeats the question. Newt totally dodges the question again.
• Tim Pawlenty is asked a question and, instead of answering, launches into tirade against President Obama.
• Newt Gingrich is asked a legitimate question only to accuse the Fox "News" moderator of lobbing him a Gotcha question. He proceeds to reply in a dickish manner.
• Herman Cain is asked a question about Sharia Law and launches into a tirade about how Fox "News" misquoted him about something. He eventually sort of answers the question.
• Rick Santorum defends his statement that doctors who perform (completely legal) abortions should be brought up on criminal charges. He also defendes his belief that a woman who becomes pregnant after she's raped by her father should not be allowed to have an abortion.
• Tim Pawlenty is asked a question and, instead of answering, launches into tirade against President Obama.
• A moderator repeats a quote from Michelle Bachmann where she states a woman should be subservient to her husband. Then he asks her if she'll be subservient to Marcus if she's elected president. She dodges the question while simultaneously looking insane.
• Tim Pawlenty is asked a question and, instead of answering, launches into tirade against President Obama.
• Newt Gingrich is asked a legitimate question about his hilarious, on-going campaign problems only to accuse the Fox "News" moderator of lobbing him a Gotcha question. He proceeds to reply in a dickish manner.
• Jon Huntsman stands around not really making an impression on anyone.
• Moderators attempt to instigate an argument between Tim Pawlenty and Mitt Romney because Pawlenty rightly compared Romney's Massachusetts health care bill with Obamacare. Pawlenty sort of went after Romney, but Romney laughes it off knowing he's clearly the front runner for the GOP nomination.
• Moderators try to instigate a fight between Herman Cain and Mitt Romney because Cain implied Southerners hate Mormons. Nothing came of it.
• Debate participants take turns taking cheap shots at Rick Perry who wasn't there to defend himself. 

I was somewhat disappointed that no one brought up Newt "It Doesn't Matter What I Do" Gingrich's history of infidelity and stunningly blatant hypocrisy. I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect him to explain why he thinks he possess the moral character to hold one of the most powerful positions in the world - especially after his attempt to railroad Bill Clinton for being sleazy-but-nowhere-near-as-sleazy-as-Newt-Gingrich. I assume the moderators just figured he has no chance of winning the nomination and is an angry, pathetic, dried up turd. Or it could be he got a pass for cheating on two thirds of his wives because the transgressions were a result of his extreme love for the United States. Unfortunately, regardless of the reason, there's no deliciously awkward video clip of the pompous man-dumpling trying to justify his serial infidelity through the lens of all-American patriotism.

All in all, it was an entertaining, if not pointless, debate. Unless the GOP establishment are involved in some weird Trading Places-esque bet with the Democrats, there's no way they're picking anyone but Mitt Romney. Yes, Evangelicals and hardline conservatives don't like him because he's a Mormon who was basically a moderate Democrat until a few years ago. But, in the past, both groups have displayed a willingness to blindly idolize people who fall outside the Christian Conservative stereotype. (I'm looking at you Ronald Reagan and Glenn Beck.) And, really, who are his serious competitors? The other 8+ candidates are a motley crew of kooks, wackadoodles, also-rans...and Jon Huntsman. It's like the first few episodes of American Idol. Needless to say, I'm really looking forward to future debates and to find out who the GOP nominates as The Poor Bastard Who's Going To Be Completely Destroyed By Barack Obama In 2012.

Letter to the Dayton Daily News Re: Dumb People

This is a letter to the editor I submitted to the Dayton Daily News in Dayton, Ohio. It's referencing a story the paper ran Monday about Christian conservative efforts to shoehorn Creationism into the Springboro school district, a school system near the area where I grew up. The original article can be found here.

In Monday's article regarding Creationism and the Springboro school system, religious fundamentalists displayed an ignorance so profound that it's hard to refrain from accusing them of willful stupidity. Kelly Kohls' claim that Creationism is a significant part of American history is absurd and demonstrates a total lack of knowledge about the movement's history in the United States.

Jo Ellen Myers also seems delighted to shamelessly wallow in her own ignorance. No one with any understanding of the scientific method would claim Evolution's "based on a theory that can't even be proven." The mechanisms that drive evolution are observable and, unlike Creationism, it doesn't rely on supernatural intervention and logical fallacies.

The fact that these reality deniers are arguing Creationism is a counter theory to Evolution demonstrates that, not only do they not understand Evolution, they also don't understand the nonsense they're trying to replace it with. Creationism provides a narrative explaining how life on Earth began - Evolution makes no such claim. If anything, these people should be attacking abiogenesis. But intellectual honesty isn't a priority when the goal is to defend a belief that's been completely disproved by observable, natural phenomenon.

Anyone concerned with children's education should be horrified that these radicals are allowed to serve in the public education system. If fundamentalists want to corrupt their own kids' minds, they're free to home school them and send them to any number of non-accredited Bible "universities". But using tax dollars to force their fringe beliefs on children is obscene.

Throwing A Hail Mary

Right off the bat I'll clarify that this particular post will be neither sardonic nor apocalyptic. I'm sure once I've gotten over the culture shock associated with moving from Dayton, Ohio to New York City I'll be back to my old self, but I'm feeling grotesquely upbeat lately. So upbeat that I've frequently found myself brandishing a giant, goofy grin as I walk down the street. On at least 3 or 4 separate occasions I've even been gripped with the urge to yell, "OH MY GOD I LIVE IN NEW YORK!" and spin around in circles with my arms extended like a character in the final scene of some dopey feel good comedy.

And why shouldn't I be happy? I've spent the last 4 years in a self-imposed rut, working dead end jobs I hate and pursuing relationships with women who were either awful people or more miserable than me. All the while I kept telling myself things would get better if I just hung in there. My priorities were all wrong and I wasn't actively doing much to improve my situation anyway. Finally I've done something big, epic even, to improve my life and I feel pretty awesome about it. For the first time in years I feel like life is something to look forward to instead of just enduring day by day.

I'm trying not to sound like a gloating braggart because I know this isn't a decision everyone can or would want to make, but this is where life has taken me and I'm glad I'm here. When I lived in Ohio it was too easy for me to dwell on past mistakes and missed opportunities because there was nothing else to focus on. I became consumed with all of these hypothetical "What If" situations. Even after I made the decision to move  I'd find myself getting frustrated because I felt like I was missing opportunities every day I was stuck in Ohio. Okay, I WAS missing opportunities by being stuck in Ohio but I finally got out and that's been the hardest and most important step for me to take.

What I understand now is that life is a series of opportunities. You can let them pass you by and become consumed with regret or, at best, settle for a life of safety and mediocrity. Or you can take risks. To be sure, there's going to be disappointment and failure - that's the trade-off you have to accept when you make big decisions. But I guarantee the sweetness of your victories will far outweigh the bitterness of your defeats.

As I write this I'm sitting in a tiny bedroom in Manhattan, hundreds of miles away from most of my friends and family, completely unemployed and living off money I made from selling almost all of my possessions. If I were so inclined I could go back 4 years to a single, seemingly minor action I took that propelled me down a road of bad decisions and ultimately led me to where I am today. I could do that but I won't because it doesn't matter; I'm where I want to be and I wouldn't change a thing. I don't know what the future holds and, for the first time in my life, I'm really okay with that. At least I tried.

Barack Obama should not have released his birth certificate.

Today President Obama publicly released his birth certificate, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt he's an American citizen. This would have been understandable if his citizenship was actually in question - but it wasn't. Just because a gaggle of ignorant racists and a rich pile of crap question something, that doesn't mean there's actually a real controversy. The issue of Barack Obama's citizenship has never been in question and, even if it had been, he dispelled any doubt two and a half years ago when he released his Certificate of Live Birth to the media. But you can't satisfy an idiot. So for the last two years there has been a small but vocal group of mouth breathers demanding the President provide his "real" birth certificate and today he did just that.

Is this going to make a difference? I don't think it's cynical of me to say I doubt it. I'm sure there will be a few jackasses who are silenced, but this entire movement is based on the racist notion that because he's black and has a funny name, President Obama cannot be "one of us". When you're dealing with a belief that's fueled by hate and rooted in the absolute denial of undeniable fact you can't expect logic, evidence and reason to win out. Just hours after the surprise unveiling of the certificate, billionaire presidential hopeful bandwagon Birther and all around turd sandwich, Donald Trump held his own press conference taking full credit for this non-revelation and stating that he still needs to examine the certificate himself.

As a nation we should all be ashamed and embarrassed to live in a society where this level of idiocy is tolerated and legitimized by the media. And by media I'm not just talking about conservative agitprop garbage like Fox "News" and AM talk radio. Today Barack and Michelle Obama inexplicably appeared on Oprah after the announcement and she actually asked him why it took so long to release the certificate. Are you serious, Oprah?! HE RELEASED FEDERALLY APPROVED PROOF OF CITIZENSHIP IN 2008! Asking that question legitimizes the Birther movement's claims. Why wasn't anyone asking John McCain to prove his citizenship? He was born in the Panama Canal, how do I know he's not secretly a drug mule for Panamanian drug traffickers? Short answer: It's because he's a white Republican.

I understand President Obama took this action to derail a gang of ass clowns and try to raise the political discourse back to grown up levels...but I still disagree. Birthers deserve the same treatment that Holocaust deniers and Creationists deserve - ridicule and scorn. If I were the president's media advisor the press conference would have been handled completely differently. First of all I would grant Fox "News" exclusive broadcasting rights provided they broke in with coverage during Glenn Becks soon-to-be-cancelled crapfest of a show. This would all but guarantee low viewership, but decent, normal folks don't need to be bothered with  this nonsense anyway. I would then dress the president in a traditional African dashiki and send him out to address viewers. The speech I would write for him would be short and to the point, something along the lines of:

"Greetings Fox viewers, as you know I'm your president, Barack Hussein Obama. I know many of you did not vote for me in 2008 and those who did were no doubt illiterate. Never the less, I'm here to address you directly regarding your concerns that I'm a secret Kenyan Muslim fascist socialist terrorist. I cannot prove that I'm not a secret Muslim fascist socialist terrorist because, logically, it's impossible to offer evidence of a negative state. But, clearly, logic is not a strong point for you people anyway. What I can prove is that I'm a natural born citizen of these United States. It's true that I released my Certificate of Live Birth over two years ago but many of you remain unconvinced. That being the case, I had my legal council formally request the great state of Hawaii disregard state law and release my long form birth certificate so I could demonstrate, once and for all, you people really do have a brother as a president. Now, there's good news and bad news. The good news is the state government immediately responded to the request. The bad news is I left it under your mom's bed last night. BAM! Asalaam alikum, bitches!"

At this point the president would step out from behind the podium, grab his crotch and thrust at the camera while yelling, "Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it!" until Fox cut the feed from their end.

This is by no means behavior befitting a president but I feel it's appropriate given the viewing audience and subject matter being addressed. Buffoons should be treated like buffoons.

White People Problems

We honkys are faced with a myriad of problems on a daily basis. Here are just a few: 

• Existential angst
• "My job is financially rewarding but it's so unfulfilling!"
• Banana Republic doesn't have that cardigan you like in the right size. Now you have to order from the website!
• Lactose intolerance
• Tennis elbow
• Low credit score
• Getting annoyed by people who eat pizza with a fork
• Your child not being accepted into an exclusive preschool program
• Your Macbook Pro is acting up again
• H & M not having an online store for the United States
• Not having a fair trade store in your town
• "Can you believe Bruce Springsteen agreed to sell his last album exclusively at Walmart?!"
•  The local grocery doesn't carry a satisfactory selection of organic produce.
• "What do you mean your menu doesn't have any vegan options?!"
• Bonnarroo sold out
• Oh no, so did Burning Man!
• Getting aggravated by the poor grammar skills of others
• "How I Met Your Mother" is showing reruns and it's still the regular season
• Your neighbor's lawn decorations may be lowering your property value
• The White Stripes broke up
• Emenem's new album wasn't as good as you were expecting
• There are too many Mexicans working at the local Chipotle
• Glee is on summer hiatus
• None of your local bars have a good selection of craft beers
• A Hispanic family just moved into your neighborhood!

As far as being an average American goes, I'm a pretty big failure.

I'm 33 years old and I have no desire to own a home, having children seems like a colossal waste of time that would interfere with being selfish and irresponsible and my ideal job would involve blowing things up or travelling around the country eating embarrassing amounts of junk food. I feel like I should be ashamed of these admissions but I'm not. Honestly, the trappings of the typical American adult don't entice me at all.

A house is an expensive anchor that ties you to one location for years - maybe even your entire life. Children, while undeniably adorable at first, quickly turn into rotten teenagers and then adults who stick you in a rest home when you become a burden and sell all your things in a garage sale after you die. As far as work goes, Hell is years spent at a soul destroying job in order to pay off your mortgage and finance your child's binge drinking and useless English degree at Generic State University. These are all responsibilities I neither need nor want.

You could make the argument that I'm simply immature and selfish but I like to think I'm really an enlightened free spirit - loosed from the bonds of biological imperatives like procreation and out of step with traditional Midwestern values. In reality neither of those situations is correct but I'm good at romanticized rationalizations and you're a big 'ol grumpopotamus.

The truth is that I view the nuclear family as a Jenga tower made of interdependent responsibilities which will collapse if just one block is removed: If I don't have kids I don't really need a house for anything. If I don't have a house I'm not tied down to one geographic location so I can lead a more nomadic life. With no kids and no house I have fewer financial responsibilities so I'm free to pursue a career that may be less rewarding financially but offers more personal fulfillment. Or I can work at an awful job that pays a lot and have money to do whatever I want whenever I want. And on and on.

Actually, when I read through that last paragraph it does sound like I'm trying to justify my selfish impulses. Plus, I don't have a special lady to impregnate so I'm getting way ahead of myself anyway. For the time being I think I should stick with my most immediate priorities: Getting less doughy, moving and finding a good job. All that other adult crap can wait.